Happy New Year...Belated

Well I had an awesome new year. A female friend of mine and I went to Coffey's for their new year party. We got a 4 course meal, as much wine as we could drink (which was a lot), and there was a live salsa band....yes....I can dance...and apparently I can salsa. So we hung out there til about 11:30-ish, then we went up to my place to watch the ball drop and have champagne with my dog Clifford. Clifford loves champagne. He loves it so much, he ate the cork...what a freak. So after the ball drop, my friend and I had mad, crazy, monkey sex til about 3 in the morning. I'm talking edible body paint, running around the house, up against the wall, on every piece of furniture, spanking, dirty talk, moaning, screaming, slow, fast, hard, soft, well you get the picture....we had a lot of fun :) 2006 is going to be a good year I think...

So for the new year I decided to put a lot of stuff behind me. I finally went to see a friend of mine last night that I haven't seen in a long time. He opened a restaurant in town called Flipside. It went much better than I anticipated and I will be hanging out there more, and hanging out with him more when he has time. We had a pretty good talk and hugs were had by all. Even his business partner seemed happy to see me. So I hung out, had a couple of beers and headed home for the night. Another good day....I hope I can keep this up.

Better Days

Well things are going a lot better for me lately. I think just getting out of town for a few days and hanging out with the family for xmas did me some good. I can actually stand to be at work and I don't just mope around the house when I'm not at work. Plus I've started working out more regularly which is helping too.

I had a pretty good xmas overall. I got a new TV for the bachelor crib. It's pretty large compared to my old one. I'm going to give my old one to this married couple I know that only has this little 8" - 10" deal. They should love that :) I also got a bunch of clothes for xmas, but I took most of them back and exchanged them for clothes I actually like. Thank god for gift receipts.

It's about time to get in touch with my tattoo guy, Cain, again and make an appointment for my next session. I'm ready to take the next step on the whole "sleeve" thing. I just hope I can get appointments to get both arms done fairly close to each other so I don't have a long time with just one arm more finished than the other.

The new year is right around the corner and I have several resolutions that I hope to put into effect. I am going to increase my value as a programmer by going for several certifications. I'm going to take a few classes at ASU to help with that. I'm going to start going back to the kung fu school (qwoon) on a regular basis, but that costs money so it will be contingent on that. I'm going to try and stop drinking so much Mtn Dew and just drink water...and beer of course :) And I'm going to just overall try to take better care of my body. Let's hope I can stick with it.

This is a serious depression I've fallen into. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I have no real friends. Everyone I trust even a little ends up stabbing me in the fucking back. Everyone is happier than I am. I don't know what to do to fix myself. I try to be happy and "be myself" but I just want to sit here and stare into space. I've been depressed before, but this is different. It's all encompassing. It touches every moment of every aspect of my life. I'm so ready to just give up and join the fucking army or something. Let someone else tell me what to do with my life. Maybe that way I will be happier. Maybe that way I don't have to fight myself just to get out of bed every day. Just to take a shower. Just to go to work. Just to keep walking. I can feel my legs wanting to buckle under me. I just want to fall down and lie there. I am fucked up and need some serious help....

My Life Sucks

No really...it sucks bad. I have no one special to share my life with and it kills me. Every night I go home and I want to cry. I just feel so lost sometimes and the only thing I can do is drink myself into a stupor to try and forget. But that is only temporary. What the hell am I supposed to be doing with my life? Why can't I find one person that I want to be with that wants to be with me too? This is the only thing missing in my life.

Binky!

Had a good time at Cain's last night. I cooked up some chicken fettuccini alfredo with brocolli and carrots, and made some crecent rolls that I burned :) Everything else was good, just the rolls were kind of toasty. We watched this movie called "Shakes the Clown" while we were eating. It was a really wierd movie. Anne and I liked this one character named Binky. He was fucking crazy and with his clown make up on and stuff, he was pretty freaky. And he does coke and kills people...that's pretty cool when you're a clown.

Well I actually made it to work today despite the ice storm we've been having. I'm skeptical about making it back up to my house though. I may have to ride with half my Jeep off the road in a ditch or something. I just hope I can actually make it back....and I hope that my power doesn't go out or some stupid shit like that. Anyway, I'm on a roll coding today so I'm going to start back working....

What is Christmas?

I feel like xmas has turned into a stressful, evil holiday. All this pressure is on everyone to buy stuff for people, then the pressure continues because you hope that the person likes what you got them, then it continues even more because you wonder if they're saying they like it just so it won't hurt your feelings and they're just going to go return it when you've gone home, then it continues even more because you feel like you have to like what they got you and you can't let them know you're just going to return it when you get home.

What is xmas anymore? Who is this Jesus character that I hear about once in a while? What do gifts and trees and fat men in red suits have to do with it? Xmas is supposed to be a time to celebrate life. The best way to do that is to be in the presence of your family and friends and thank whatever god you pray to that you're alive, they're alive, and able to do that. But that has been shrouded in all this traditional bull shit for years now.

The new meaning of xmas is spend your money on things that people may or may not like, and don't forget anyone or they'll be pissed you didn't get them anything. I think the only gifts worth giving at xmas is food or clothing to those that really need it. Don't buy them a freaking teddy bear, that won't help them to survive. Buy them a blanket instead. Give them a chance to enjoy life even if it's just one hot meal on one cold day. And burn the freaking tree....it's an idol these days that we lay gifts before and worship by decorating it and staring at it in awe. And shoot the fat man....he's a marketing tool to force people into thinking they have to buy stuff, lots of stuff, and not to forget anyone or they're naughty naughty people.

The perfect xmas would be a simple gathering of friends and family. Have a nice meal, sit with each other, enjoy each others company, catch up, remember past friends and family, and let them know you love them by caring enough to show up. Let's change the face of xmas. Let's stop feeding this cold, heartless thing we call xmas and create a new xmas that is warm and free of the stress and pressure and false idols. Let's make it something to look forward to. Good food, good family, and good times.

Hindsight is 20x20

So after a good meeting with friends at the Mellow Mushroom, I've really made some progress in getting over this latest chick. Now when I talk to her or see her talking to other people, I see how fake she is, and how scared. She's so afraid to be herself that I don't think she knows who she really is. And she is a slut++. All she talks about is wearing some sexy outfit or some shit and prancing around, or she'll flirt a little too much. It's like she thinks people will only like her for her pussy and thats it.

So when I look at her now, all I see is this fake ass sorostitute that refuses to change. Maybe someone just needs to point this shit out to her. Maybe someone needs to jar something loose inside her so that she can change. I did notice when we were seeing each other and I would point something out that she did that was mean or inappropriate that she would get pretty irritated. I know no one likes to be shown their flaws, but this was a higher level than that. She would just clam up and start walking away like she couldn't deal with it. Who knows...

Bitches Suck

So here's a great example of one of these evil demon women. I was seeing this girl for a couple of months. Well we had great times together, great sex, and great laughs. One night we were in the middle of making sweet love to each other and she looks into my eyes. I stopped moving and looked at her and I said, "Are you ok?". And then she said, "I love you". It was so freaking awsome to me. Well about 2 weeks later she was buying a Jeep at the local Jeep place. She comes back one day and tells me about some guy that works there that saw her golf clubs in her trunk and asked her if she played. Then he asked her if she was single and she said yes. I was stunned that she was even telling me this. Well from then on out, things went down hill. She wouldn't call me, she would barely talk to me when I saw her, and we never hung out anymore. When I confronted her about it, she told me she really cared about me but wasn't ready for a full blown relationship. Right there is some fucked up shit.

Well, trying to make the long story short, we were at a xmas party this past Friday night and that bitch brought the guy from the Jeep place. They were making out, and all touchy feely and shit right in front of me....like 10 feet in front of me. I was fucking pissed, I started cussing, flipped off him and her, and stormed out. Who the fuck tells you that they love you, then they care for you, then they do some shit like that when they know you still love them??

Well that's a huge part of insperation for wanting to write a book. This shit has happened to me multiple times in my life, almost 80% of my relationships. All I hear from women who are my friends is, "You're so attrative", "You're so nice", "You have so much to offer". Well I'm glad they see that, but I don't want to be with them.

So anyway, this weekend sucked balls. I've been holed up in my house, feeling like a piece of shit that has no hope of ever finding someone that I'm actually attracted to that will treat me like a fucking person. I got to wondering, are there others like me? I talked to a couple of friends during this down hill race that were going through similar things with women, and it occured to me that there were. So i'm going to get their stories and tell them to the world. And I've got to find a way to help not only them, but myself.